Like the weed trees in the garden, God is digging out deep-rooted sin. Pride has its tenacious roots wrapped around, a judgmental spirit, lack of trust. The fruits of bitterness and anxiety are ripe. I can see my deficiencies, my sins. I have been laid naked, bare, my trying to make bread for a thousand is no longer working. I have forgotten that God only asks us to give what we have, and not what we do not have. I have asked God to get the pride out of me, but oh how the slow removal hurts.
The shovel hits the dirt, digging up the roots.
The weed trees shoot up quickly. If you get them right away, just sprouted, you can pick them out with your hands. But if you let them go for weeks, months, a year, the root sinks deep into the flower bed, threatening to ruin the blooms that have blossomed so beautifully.
It takes a lot of work for the Gardener to remove the deeply rooted tree. But it must be taken out in order for the blooms he has tenderly planted to properly grow.
I have realized my desire to be self-sufficient, to be able to do everything on my own with no help from God has stuck its root in deep. This is the place God is taking me, to teach me dependency on Him. I must realize that I can not do it alone, in my own strength. It is impossible. God says that whatever I give to Him, he accepts it according to what I have, not according to what I don’t have. I dislike dependency. I despise it. I buck against it. I want to do all, be all. This is the place God is taking me, to teach me the things I do not necessarily want to learn. How my lack of dependency is just another slippery form of Pride in my life. I don’t want the manna. I don’t want the daily dependency. It is hard, this learning to trust, this learning to walk, to breathe in life a different way. Every breath I breathe is dependent on God’s mercy.
God is tending the garden of my soul. There are blooms growing, but there are also weeds. I cry out for relief, but the relief does not come. Why? I know he hears every prayer I utter. He is choosing to answer the prayer in a myriad of different ways. He is weeding out the pains of old wounds. The prayer is answered not in the way I expect. He answers by weeding out pride, bitterness, and a judgmental spirit. Oh how the removal is painful! It takes time. The blooms he plants in replacement are beautiful. The blooms are worth the pain. God is here and hears, he answers other prayers. Prayers to love more, of togetherness, of family, of reflecting his image.
He is showing me that HE is the Gardener, not me. The lessons are not easy. The lessons of gratitude, trust, and dependency are slow to grow. He has planted the seeds, tenderly, always giving Manna for the day, just enough to make it through the desert. One day. One day at a time. I have enough manna for today. I will focus on today and stop worrying about tomorrow, for God will also take care of me in the next hour. I see the glimpses of growth in my soul. I recognize my need for change. This is the first step.
Hold my hand Lord, don’t let go. I feel the shovel ripping into the dirt of my soul. God if this can somehow be used for your glory, do it. If this will not give you glory I ask that this cup be passed from me. Oh Lord, may those who hope in you not be shamed because of me. From the ends of the earth I call to you. I call as my heart grows faint. Lead me to the Rock that is higher than I.
Oh Lord I’m learning to trust you. This is so hard for me. I am stubborn. I do not like this place you have taken me God, this desert. I do not want to depend on the Manna every day. I want to collect enough Manna to last for weeks, months. Oh God help me. I know, at times I can see what you have been doing in my heart, but it is so hard. It hurts. I know you say “Whom you love, you discipline”, but Oh God I don’t want the correction. God help me to see you as loving. Help me to continue to look at the many blessings you have given me. I can see these fruits, I can see the healing. The way you have chosen to heal truly hurts Lord. Lord I trust you. Help the part of me that does not trust at all. Become as visible to me as the things I see with my naked eye.
Bible Verses:I Corinthians 8:12, Psalm 69:6, Psalm 61:2, Luke 22:42, Hebrews 12:6