I did not think I could do it. Actually, in fact. I knew I could not do it. I absolutely abhor getting in front of people. As a child that was mainly homeschooled, lets just say I did not have much practice getting in front and speaking to others. In college, I distinctly remember my required Oral Interpretation class (memorizing monologues and performing them without notes). I lost my voice a few days leading up to my speech, and then bombed my monologue. It was so bad, my professor kindly asked me if I would like to perform it again another day. My thoughts? Absolutely not, thank you very much.
I talk about how I felt my voice taken from me here. Writing has been a way to find my voice again. This blog has been a blessing to me in that this is a way I can give my voice to the world. It has not been as scary as I thought it would be. I still fear though, every time I hit the “publish” button. However, God has infused me with his courage. It is only through Him that I have found the courage to speak here.
I was asked to speak in front of our Women’s ministry at church. A lot of people would probably not be intimidated by this. I was. I knew God wanted me to speak the minute I was asked, as I had already contemplated taking a speech class because I wanted to get better at speaking about God. I was ready to start preaching to a couple of eighteen year olds if that is what it took. However, God had different plans, as He normally does. I was asked to speak in front of our women’s ministry-not a large group, but anything with a microphone and fifteen or twenty minutes of speaking scares me senseless. My fear incapacitates me. My fear closes my mouth. My fear renders me useless. I become paralyzed.
My pastor said this “ Life itself is God’s curriculum for God’s transformation”. God kept giving me courage, more and more courage. I spoke in my MOPS group last spring. He is a good God who helps us take the small steps, the steps that seem scary and painful. He sent me friends who pray for me, encourage me, push me and help me climb the mountain that seemed so intimidating.
I can say this now: Our faith in God truly does let us move mountains. God truly does change hearts, and he has changed mine. I am not the same person I was 3 years ago. And I pray to Him that He keeps changing me, for I do not want to become stagnate.
I lack a lot of things that I need a lot of help with. I can see it. God has called me to use the gifts he has given me, and stop worrying about the things I do not have. The gift is acceptable according to what one has, not according to what one does not have. 2 Corinthians 8:12 I am called to grow in the gifts he has given me. Many times I was to hide. I want to be like King Saul, who when God called Him to become king, lacked the courage and hid. King Saul never did find his courage in the Lord, he remained always fearful of what others thought of him. I am choosing to throw off any hindrance. I am putting on my running shoes, letting go of anything that is going to slow me down. I am going to run as fast as I can, may the Lord help me.
God gave me the courage to speak in front of that group of women. And I know God will continue to give me courage for the next mountain that intimidates me. God is a God of courage. But he does not expect us to muster it up our own. He asks us to have courage because of Him.
God strengthened my hands. God steadied my knees. God made my voice strong. God showed me that I will not speak like anyone else, I will speak how He made me (and if that means reading most of my notes, that is Okay!) God came, just as he promised. God showed up and saved me. God brought me through. And may I never forget that it was God that did it, and not my own self. May I never forget that it the power of the Lord that enables me to speak, to write, to love. Without Him, I am truly weak. But with Him, we are strong.
A few of you have asked that I publish my talk that I gave at women’s ministry. I am working on it, as it is not in the correct format right now. Stay tuned!
Linking up with Chatting at the Sky to share what I’ve learned in September.