I have so many thoughts swimming inside my head. My words truly feel inadequate to describe what these amazing women of God passed onto us through this weekend at MOMCON. A few of the speakers were Jenny Allen, Emily P Freeman, Shauna Niequist, and Angie Smith.
My words are inadequate to explain how God used these women to speak truth into my life. As inadequate as I feel, it doesn’t matter, I still need to write down the truth and chronicle what went on in my heart.
God has truly surrounded me with an amazing group of women. I feel extremely blessed to be a part of a community that really loves each other. I know that not everyone has this community. I have prayed for this, but it is only in the last few years that I have been given a community through MOPS and through my church that has helped me feel God’s love in a very tangible way.
One of the things that I felt deep in my heart during this weekend is that I have forgotten a lot of what God has taught me. I need to remember, to look back, to focus on the truth in the Bible. I have been comparing myself to others and falling short. There is always going to be someone better than me, someone who has more gifting in a particular area, and I need to be ok with that. I need to stop focusing on what they have and remember that God has chosen me and not rejected me. I am afraid that God will decide He is done using me, but that is not true and it is a lie. I need to learn to combat these lies that the enemy is feeding me, with the truth. I need to write these truths down. Paste them on my coffeepot, stick them in my car, wherever I need to put them to remember that God will use me, and that I don’t have to be as good as someone else in order to be used by God. I have also been dealing with a lot of guilt. I stuck this on a sticky note this morning, so that I remember it constantly: Therefore, there is now no condemnation to those who are in Christ Jesus.
I feel it constantly. I am an inadequate mother. I am an inadequate in the ministry that God has given me. I am inadequate in chronicling what is going on in my life and the lives around me. This is a lie!!! By his divine power, God has given us everything we need for living a godly life. Christine Caine says, “God is not looking for ability, He is looking for availability”. God wants us to say we are available to Him. We are weak but He is strong! I have seen enough in my short time here on earth to know that if we as Christians are not stepping up to the plate, no one else is going to fill in the gap. If God starts to speak something into your heart, impress a need on your heart, we need to listen to that. How can I start being the change that I want to see in this world? How can I not just listen to the truth, but walk away from whatever I read or hear and actually do the things He wants me to do? I need to start praying with my eyes open and stop doubting that I can’t hear what God is saying to me.
Jesus, I am not enough, but you are enough. I am scared most days to write, to even speak to my friends or my husband what I feel deep in my heart. It leaves me feeling naked and exposed, but I know that is in part what I am to do. I need to be real and to be vulnerable. Help me to “Go first so that others can go second”-John Acuff. Jesus help me to be real and honest even when I am scared. Jesus help me to reach out to others . There are women who are shackled with shackles so heavy that they will not be able to drink from the cup of living water unless you give us the supernatural ability to reach them. Help us to reach them through our prayers or through you somehow making a way for us to reach those women. They are surrounded in utter darkness and live without a breath of knowing you. Oh Jesus, make a way for us to reach those women that do not know you and who have no hope of knowing you. Break our hearts so we do not get too comfortable in a world that is dieing a little bit more each and every day. Open our eyes so we can really see the truth and the hearts of women. I am overwhelmed by the needs of this world. You are not overwhelmed, you are enough. May I be overwhelmed with how powerful You are. I thank you for placing me in community and I ask that if there is anyone out there right now who feels alone , that they will first find comfort in you and may you help them to find the community that you want for them. You are a God of community and you are not a God of isolation. I love you Jesus.