My little boy would not stay in nursery again. It has been months of Sundays that they page me because he will not stop crying. Normally it does not bother me, I love holding him. Our church is currently under construction. This will end soon, but right now when you are in the foyer you can hardly hear the words spoken from the pastor. This morning, this Sunday, I was disappointed. I needed a word from God and I realized I was going to have to be ok to just hear a snippet. I would have to be ok with a crumb.
I am tired and my baby is still waking me up early. Its better, so much better. But I still need to find time to rest. Resting is hard for me. I want to conquer the world for Jesus. But the Lord doesn’t want me to do that. I need to rest, to sit, to dwell, in order for me to be able to take care of my kids and to be the person that He created me to be.
Life has exploded this year with the addition of our third child, ministry, and my decision to start blogging. These are all really amazing things, but it can leave me very depleted. I am someone who needs time to think things through, time to dream, time to be alone with my ideas and thoughts, time to even read a great fiction book that will take me into another world.
My word for the year has been rest. “In repentance and rest is your salvation, in quietness and trust is your strength” Isaiah 30:15. I believe it has been my word for the year because it is that important to make sure I am filling myself up in order to give to others. Holley Gerth says this: “The One who loves me is gently showing me how to shift, adapt, and allow seasons of rest between seasons of pushing hard.” I need to let go of the guilt I feel for taking care of myself.
The reason I don’t want to rest is because I feel all that I can offer to the Lord and to others is crumbs. I offer Him the crumbs of my time. I can offer him a snippet in between the jelly sandwich and chasing down the ten month old from sticking his hands in the toilet (again!). Giving just a crumb is hard for me. I do believe that motherhood is a high calling, yet it is hard to see the difference you make in their lives when they are so little.
I just miss the times that I can go deep and be deep with others and with God.
I forget that the Lord is the multiplier. He can take a crumb and make it into a meal that satisfies, sustains, uplifts and encourages. These crumbs are all I have and I give them to you Lord. Take them and reshape them into food that is good and nourishing.
It’s not about what I do, it is about what He does. In this upside-down kingdom, he can take something so small and make it into enough for myself, for my children, for others. He is the great multiplier.
He allowed me to see it, a tiny glimpse of turning crumbs into a meal. My 5-year-old precious girl speaks, “Mommy let’s make shoeboxes for those kids that need it. I’m going to create lots of things, bracelets and wands and put it in those shoe boxes for the kids that need it!”
Jesus feeds me the meal I need the most right now: The tiny seeds planted in the hearts of our children blossom slowly and beautifully for his kingdom.
Jesus, help me to remember that you can take those little tiny offerings I give you and weave something beautiful out of them.
“And my God will meet all your needs according to his glorious riches in Christ Jesus.” Philippians 4:19
If you would like to know more about OCC Shoeboxes, please head over to Samaritan’s Purse. This is a great way to help my children and myself have a more compassionate heart.
*photo from Pixabay