Crumbs of Life

crumbs

 

My little boy would not stay in nursery again.  It has been months of Sundays that they page me because he will not stop crying.  Normally it does not bother me, I love holding him.  Our church is currently under construction.  This will end soon, but right now when you are in the foyer you can hardly hear the words spoken from the pastor.  This morning, this Sunday, I was disappointed.  I needed a word from God and I realized I was going to have to be ok to just hear a snippet.  I would have to be ok with a crumb.
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MOMCON Takeaways

beyoubravelyyouarehis

 

I have so many thoughts swimming inside my head.  My words truly feel inadequate to describe what these amazing women of God passed onto us through this weekend at MOMCON.  A few of the speakers were Jenny Allen, Emily P Freeman, Shauna Niequist, and Angie Smith.

My words are inadequate to explain how God used these women to speak truth into my life.  As inadequate as I feel, it doesn’t matter, I still need to write down the truth and chronicle what went on in my heart.

God has truly surrounded me with an amazing group of women.  I feel extremely blessed to be a part of a community that really loves each other.  I know that not everyone has this community.  I have prayed for this, but it is only in the last few years that I have been given a community through MOPS and through my church that has helped me feel God’s love in a very tangible way.

One of the things that I felt deep in my heart during this weekend is that I have forgotten a lot of what God has taught me.  I need to remember, to look back, to focus on the truth in the Bible.  I have been comparing myself to others and falling short.  There is always going to be someone better than me, someone who has more gifting in a particular area, and I need to be ok with that.  I need to stop focusing on what they have and remember that  God has chosen me and not rejected me. I am afraid that God will decide He is done using me, but that is not true and it is a lie.  I need to learn to combat these lies that the enemy is feeding me, with the truth.  I need to write these truths down.  Paste them on my coffeepot, stick them in my car, wherever I need to put them to remember that God will use me, and that I don’t have to be as good as someone else in order to be used by God.  I have also been dealing with a lot of guilt.  I stuck this on a sticky note this morning, so that I remember it constantly: Therefore, there is now no condemnation to those who are in Christ Jesus.

Inadequate.
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Speaking Out

mountain

I did not think I could do it. Actually, in fact. I knew I could not do it. I absolutely abhor getting in front of people. As a child that was mainly homeschooled, lets just say I did not have much practice getting in front and speaking to others. In college, I distinctly remember my required Oral Interpretation class (memorizing monologues and performing them without notes). I lost my voice a few days leading up to my speech, and then bombed my monologue. It was so bad, my professor kindly asked me if I would like to perform it again another day. My thoughts? Absolutely not, thank you very much.

I talk about how I felt my voice taken from me here.  Writing has been a way to find my voice again. This blog has been a blessing to me in that this is a way I can give my voice to the world. It has not been as scary as I thought it would be. I still fear though, every time I hit the “publish” button. However, God has infused me with his courage. It is only through Him that I have found the courage to speak here.

I was asked to speak in front of our Women’s ministry at church. A lot of people would probably not be intimidated by this. I was. I knew God wanted me to speak the minute I was asked, as I had already contemplated taking a speech class because I wanted to get better at speaking about God. I was ready to start preaching to a couple of eighteen year olds if that is what it took. However, God had different plans, as He normally does. I was asked to speak in front of our women’s ministry-not a large group, but anything with a microphone and fifteen or twenty minutes  of speaking scares me senseless. My fear incapacitates me. My fear closes my mouth. My fear renders me useless. I become paralyzed.
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Hold-Five Minute Friday

I hold her close. I could tell her breathing was labored, but this had never happened before. What do I do? I call the doctor and he walks me through. Wait times are long at the ER, so I grab a book as well as the stroller. My beautiful girl, her chest rises and falls. She falls asleep. It is way past her bedtime.

I look around at all the people in the room. It is crowded with little kids and also people with broken bones, elderly.

I open my book. It is all about the children in India….who do not receive the kind of treatment my little girl receive. I am saddened and God breaks my heart. I look at my beautiful girl. I am so thankful that I know she will soon be treated and will be ok, because I live here in America, because love is shown, because the cross proclaimed on the top of the hospital. How can I help those that are truly suffering?
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Spending time with Jesus

But Jesus often withdrew to lonely places and prayed.  Luke 5:16

 

I often forget who Jesus is.  I forget in the busyness and craziness of life what Jesus, our ultimate example, looked like.  I start reading the gospel of Luke to remind myself: Who is Jesus?  How did he do life?  In what ways can I imitate him?  Whether it be kids and chaos, ministry or work, our lives are hectic and frantic.
 

I look to Jesus.

 

But Jesus often withdrew to lonely places and prayed.  Luke 5:16 Everyone clamored for his attention.  Everyone wanted to  have his healing hands touch them, hear his voice.  He was a preacher,teacher, a mentor to his disciples.  He could have easily said-I need to keep going, I need to give all my time to everyone, and not take time to pray.  But he was Jesus, and he said the example for us.  If he needed to take time to be with the Father, how much more do I need to take that time.
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