I am spent. Most days I end this way. Depleted. Is this what being poured out like a drink offering feels like? The job of a servant is hard. Its rubbing backs when you can not rub them any more. Its trying to correct little ones who you need to be gentle, because they are tired and sleepy. Its getting tissues, getting water, wiping bottoms. Its trying to restrain your voice. Its choosing to see the beauty in the little faces. Its letting go of selfishness and pride. Its being embarrassed at the store because your kids are too loud. its being weepy and tired because your precious babies wont sleep through the night. Its offering a hug when you don’t want to forgive. Its choosing to love. its being interrupted when you are doing more “important” things. Its giving of your time when you have nothing else to give.
I have said I want to offer myself as a living sacrifice to You. But do I really? When I grumble and complain throughout the day, when the day is hard, when I want to give up. I want to scream and throw a tantrum, just like my two year old. I want to choose the joy, I want to be content.
I want to find contentment.
Contentment because they wont always be this small. They wont always stare at me with that love that only a child can give. I want to enjoy these precious moments. I want to eat them up. I want to really live, I want to find thankfulness coming out of my mouth. I want to laugh and enjoy and savor. I want to be present. I want to live fully.
Lord, I confess to you that I am so selfish. There is so much of me. I don’t know how to choose the joy, I don’t know how to see beauty when every day seems a struggle. God you have given me all that I ask for and more, and I still complain. Oh Lord, please forgive me. Don’t let me take these babies for granted. I am blessed. Help me to remember that it wont always be so physically demanding. Help me to remember that I am forming little hearts and minds, hearts and minds that I pray will love You. God mold me. Mold me into a vessel used by you. God give me a spirit that joyfully serves the little ones around me. Give me a tender voice that speaks so that they will see You in me. Lord restore unto me the joy of my salvation, and renew a right spirit within me.
Verses: Phillipians 2:17, Psalm 51:12, Romans 12:1