Tag Archives: selfishness

What I Threw Into The Fire

 

Letting go of what is holding me back

Letting go of what is holding me back

Its not about me, Its about the Kingdom.

A couple of months ago, our pastor asked us these questions:

What is holding you back from fully surrendering to God?

What do you want to work on together with God?

 

What is the obstacle do you face the keeps you from advocating for the kingdom of God?

We were to pick one (or more, as was my case) things to write down on a wooden stick, and throw it in the fire. I chose Fear and negative Self Focus. I’ve talked a little bit about fear here before, but I want to share about my self focus.

What is my definition of being self focused? It is when you say: I don’t want anyone to look at me, or focus on me. What will people think of me if I do that? What if I fail? What will others think?


When we are advocating God’s love and peace, we don’t care what others think of us. We only care about the message. We only care about getting it out, because the message is more important than if others think we are foolish, inept, or silly for doing what God has called us to do. When I focus on myself, I don’t want to fail, because if I fail, others would have a negative view of me. But really, what is failure in God’s kingdom? We don’t know what will always be the end result of what God asks us to do. It may be to do a work inside of us rather than a fruit you can see.

Focusing on myself and how others view me, is a twisted form of pride that pretends to cloak itself in humility. I spend my time dwelling on what others think of me. Will they like what I do? What if they think its stupid? Will they praise me? I forget that its not about what they say, its about being obedient to God. Its not about me and how well I do, it is about reaching others. I have to stop dwelling on my insecurities and focus on God and the truth in His word.

 

I am self centered and selfish to the core. I like my personal space, even my particular kind of food, my quiet, my peace. I get upset over the little things, thinking that the world revolves around me. I forget that I need to be focused outward, choosing to serve others and take the backseat instead of always trying to control every little thing. I say with my mouth that I want to serve God. But when push comes to shove, I want my sleep, my space, and oh yes, the last brownie!

 

Its not about me, about how well I do or how others view me. Its about the Kingdom. Why do I believe the Kingdom of God is so important? Because it has changed the inside of me. It continues to change me. It shows me my sin, my wickedness. How I judge and how I love praise from others. How I like to store up knowledge but have no love for my fellow man. Jesus not only shows me these things, but is willing to help me change, little by little, day by day. The Spirit works inside of me, reminding me, helping me to pray and call to God to ask him to help me, because I am so full of pride on my own, its disgusting. The kingdom of God takes a slave to sin and sets her free. It burns off the shackles and lets me walk in freedom. And I want others to experience this kingdom. I want others to experience the freedom and completeness that comes from Him alone. I want us to be free of the sin that I experience. I know so many of us struggle with the sin that focuses on our own wants and needs and forgets about the people that are hurting in our community.

 

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Oh God, forgive me for being so selfish! Forgive me for trying to obtain my own glory instead of glorifying your own Holy name. Your Name advocates for those that are hurt by their parents, who are hungry. You say we are to feed and clothe others in Your Name, because you care about the fatherless and the widow, the prisoner and those that have been destroyed by the Enemy. Oh God free me from selfishness , on putting my desires in front of loving others. God, you know how I store up knowledge and do nothing with it. You know my heart and how I act out of my Old Self instead of the New Person you have made me. Lord I want to live into that new life. I want to help bring your kingdom here on earth, by offering a cup of cold water in your name. Lord rid me of my selfishness and my desire for praise from others. Take away my sin so that I can truly help the hurting and the lost. Help me to extend my borders to not only helping those that are like me, but those that are different from me.

 

What do you need to get rid of to bring the Kingdom here on this earth?

Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. Hebrews 12:1

I am linking up with the following blogs to share my life:

Poured Out

I am spent. Most days I end this way. Depleted. Is this what being poured out like a drink offering feels like? The job of a servant is hard. Its rubbing backs when you can not rub them any more. Its trying to correct little ones who you need to be gentle, because they are tired and sleepy. Its getting tissues, getting water, wiping bottoms. Its trying to restrain your voice. Its choosing to see the beauty in the little faces. Its letting go of selfishness and pride. Its being embarrassed at the store because your kids are too loud. its being weepy and tired because your precious babies wont sleep through the night. Its offering a hug when you don’t want to forgive. Its choosing to love. its being interrupted when you are doing more “important” things. Its giving of your time when you have nothing else to give.

I have said I want to offer myself as a living sacrifice to You. But do I really? When I grumble and complain throughout the day, when the day is hard, when I want to give up. I want to scream and throw a tantrum, just like my two year old. I want to choose the joy, I want to be content.

I want to find contentment.

Contentment because they wont always be this small. They wont always stare at me with that love that only a child can give. I want to enjoy these precious moments. I want to eat them up. I want to really live, I want to find thankfulness coming out of my mouth. I want to laugh and enjoy and savor. I want to be present. I want to live fully.

Lord, I confess to you that I am so selfish. There is so much of me. I don’t know how to choose the joy, I don’t know how to see beauty when every day seems a struggle. God you have given me all that I ask for and more, and I still complain. Oh Lord, please forgive me. Don’t let me take these babies for granted. I am blessed. Help me to remember that it wont always be so physically demanding. Help me to remember that I am forming little hearts and minds, hearts and minds that I pray will love You. God mold me. Mold me into a vessel used by you. God give me a spirit that joyfully serves the little ones around me. Give me a tender voice that speaks so that they will see You in me. Lord restore unto me the joy of my salvation, and renew a right spirit within me.

Verses: Phillipians 2:17, Psalm 51:12, Romans 12:1